Parenting and the Art of being Humbled

When I take my son to his first swimming lesson, he screams loud enough to separate the chlorine from the water. No baby whispering, no pleading, no bribing of “You can have a birthday cake for lunch if you go in the water” is working. And the other mothers, the ones with giggly water submerged toddlers, notice my ineptitude and are offering advice, and I listen, because who doesn’t want a magic bullet?

I am a statue, with a terrified baby tangled in my plaster arms, hoping if I hold him in the pool long enough, he will accept and love water as his personal lord and savoir. This does not happen. This does. A grown woman in a Speedo, wades over, with a compassionate aching smile, and says, “Mommy (my role usurping my name), Sam is genuinely afraid.” Humiliation is just another word for parenthood. Then, to my son, she says, “Maybe this week, you stay out of the water?” Sam smiles, sensing the key keeper to his water prison is standing before him. “Then, next week,“ she says, “Maybe put your toe in?” “Yes, next, toe in,” my two year-old responds, his conspicuous absence of pronouns and articles making him sounds like a foreign student. What the teacher does not realize, is Sam knows ‘an out’ when he hears it. For the next eight weeks, every time he senses her wading over, he calls out “Maybe next week, put toe in.” The teacher floats rubber ducks in his direction; blue ones, yellow ones, ones with big red lips. He does not succumb to her seduction. One mother tries to trick him. “You can’t come in!” She yells, unsuccessfully. She explains, “I raised my first son entirely on reverse psychology.” It sounds confusing.

The eight weeks of “maybe put toe in” have caused me to be silently furious at Sam and his insistence at being afraid week after week. Like my old friend Margaret pointed out in her recent memoir, “Clarity happens in moments like this.” Moments when crazy is winning.

They say, the teacher comes when the student is ready. My teacher, not the swim teacher, yanks on my inner-swimsuit and says “Mama! These swimming lessons have nothing to do with Sam. Mama! These swim lessons are about letting your child be who is he, no matter how many people are watching.”

“Ah,” I say, upon realizing I have missed something rather obvious, again. I turn to ask teacher for more wisdom, but she has turned into a fish and swam away. I buy a fishing pole on the way home-in case I be needing anything else.

Amy Culberg is a full-time mom, staying home with her two-year-old son. When Amy is not taking time off to raise her son, she is an elementary school teacher. Amy received an MFA in Fiction from the School of the Art Institute and is currently working on various projects. Questions for Amy? Submit them to Info@AdelinesRoom.com.

Moms Need Support

Meet Brooke Laufer, the teacher of the New Moms Group at Adeline's Room. Below she shares her experiences from her first pregnancy.

When I first became pregnant with my daughter I felt an incredible mix of emotions that were so confusing and nameless I ended up calling them "an existential crisis". That was my first trimester, a lot of confusion and a lot of tears, and a looming question: why aren't I excited about this baby like other mothers seem to be? What is wrong with me? Eventually I felt the baby kick, we put the ultrasound pic on our fridge, we gave her a name, and I felt a little better: more
connected. But as the months went on, the thoughts turned to the delivery -- the pain! -- the hospital, the fear of what would come after we got home, and the reoccurring feeling that I couldn't undo this.

For the first times in my life I truly could not control something. And that's when my anxiety attacks started. My husband got scared watching me shake at night and none of my friends had been through this, I didn't know who to turn to and I sunk. But then, with help from a distant mom/therapist acquaintance who I knew I could trust because she had admitted to me that she had anxiety attacks, I sought help. I found a therapist and a psychiatrist. I stabilized and one month later gave birth to my flaming red haired daughter, commonly referred to as "the tornado" (pronounced in a Spanish accent). I was anxious, but I was in love.

A few months of getting to know this little creature, of not sleeping regularly, of entertaining in-laws, and eventually seeing my husband off to work again, the intrusive thoughts started. I kept seeing harm come to my baby, sexual harm. I was alarmed, and ashamed. I felt disconnected from my new baby, but mostly I was terrified I was losing my mind. So I mentioned it to my therapist and my psychiatrist, and I discovered I was experiencing something akin to Postpartum Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Frankly, I was relieved. There was a name for what I was experiencing and I could treat it. And I did. The thoughts went away almost as quickly and strangely as they had come, and once again I could connect with my baby. I could then move onto to months of sleepless nights, issues with breastfeeding, dilemmas about sleep training, food fights, daycare boycotts, doubts about returning to work, self-esteem plummets, refinancing our mortgage to keep the nanny, and endless hours of unadulterated joy with our little Miss Josie. Oh, and voila, I'm pregnant again.

Did I mention, I'm a psychologist? I'm a person who has been in school for several years studying behavior, I have been trained in a variety of techniques to treat mental health issues, I have seen several therapists in the last 15 years, I understand a great deal about anxiety and depression, and yet I was blindsided by pregnancy and motherhood. And I can honestly say I'm glad for it, as it has forced me to relinquish control (my husband might argue there's still a lot more to relinquish) and it has forced me to grow. Thank goodness for that. My experiences have also enabled me to connect to amazing women -- new moms, old moms, experienced moms, never-wanna-be-a moms -- and not just moms in the 'happy moms club', but moms in the 'miserable and afraid club'. So I decided to take my experience and pursue it, which brings me to the point.

Because many women don't like to admit when things are dark and messy, postpartum depression or anxiety remains relatively hidden in society. There is a lot of shame around not being the perfectly happy, nursing, connected, loving mom. In my pursuit to reach these women, I have joined the postpartum mental health networks, taken the classes, and attended the conferences and what I'm discovering is there are about 20% of us with perinatal mood disorders. They can be correlated to a number of risk factors -- a history of mental health issues, lack of support, traumatic birth experience, loss, prior abuse, etc. -- but postpartum issues can absolutely be treated and cured.

I'm hoping to help women gain knowledge, find support, and mostly feel comfortable and accepting of themselves while approaching and muddling through motherhood. One important way for women to heal and grow is by connecting with others to remind themselves they are not alone. I will be co-facilitating a New Moms Group at Adeline's Room starting March 13th. I also am happy to see women in my private practice in Evanston.

Brooke Laufer is an IL Licensed Clinical Psychologist and mom who has been working with people-- providing therapy, family counseling, teaching, and consultation--for 10 years. Brooke specializes in Women's Health, Maternal Mental Health, and Adolescence Substance Use. She has both professional and personal experience with postpartum depression and anxiety and she hopes to support women who are adjusting to motherhood.

To register for the New Moms Group, please visit Adeline's Room.

Mommyhood: Been there, done that, wrote a book about it!

My friend Jo Chivers would probably laugh in my face if I told her that I consider her to be my “mommy mentor,” as well as my good friend. But when it comes to parenting, what I’ve always admired about Jo is her sense of humor and utmost honesty about just how tough motherhood can really be.

Jo, a UK native who came to Chicago 12 years ago to work for an IT company, lives in Lincoln Park with her husband, their two daughters (ages 8 and 3) and their most recent addition, an adopted puppy named Woody. On top of parenting two girls, Jo has written a novel centered around the journey into motherhood aptly named “Baby (tic tic) Boom” and keeps a blog of the same name where she muses about what it’s like to be a closet type-a personality in the midst of not so organized chaos.

Recently Jo agreed to answer some questions about life as a mommy, a writer, and the huge adjustment she went through going from full time career woman to full time mom.

What’s your novel about?

It’s about a new mom and her journey to redefine herself as she goes from successful career woman to stay at home mom. It shows the frustrating, mind-spinning and downright hilarious aspects of parenthood through her eyes. It also shows how important it is to surround yourself with the right people and keep things in perspective in order to maintain your sanity!

How long did it take you to write it?

It took a matter of weeks in my head, but two years on paper (or disk).

Describe parenthood in three words.

That’s a hard one, parenthood can be so many different things in just one day or even five minutes, but the first words that spring to mind are

· life-changing (counts as one word with a hyphen right?)

· exhausting

· chaotic

What word best describes your parenting style?

Amateur.

What did you do before mommyhood and how has it changed you?

I worked as a project manager in the IT industry. My most valuable skills were that I was super organized and great at problem solving. My projects were successful because they were very tightly controlled. When I had my first daughter, I had to learn to go with the flow a little more and accept that babies have their own agenda and a surprisingly strong will to stick with it.

How do you think attitudes to parenting/motherhood have changed since you had your first baby? Have mothers become more open and honest about how tough it can really be, or do you think we have further to go?

I think we still have a long way to go. I hate to say it, but the media obsession with celebrity families and the constant ‘parenthood is bliss’ message they perpetuate has a lot to answer for. It’s to new moms what the ‘thin is perfection’ message is to young girls.

What advice would you give new and expecting moms, based on your own experiences?

Know that being a new mom is the hardest, most exhausting job in the world. But there is no one who does a better job at looking after your baby than you. Trust your own instincts and ignore negative input. Surround yourself with moms with whom you can be totally honest, without feeling judged and remove yourself from any that make you feel inadequate or downright crap.

What was life like before children? How did you picture parenthood and how different was it from real life?

My job was pretty stressful and I saw parenthood as a step away from that stress (I know, how deluded was I?). I pictured my sweet baby and I sitting on a blanket in the park playing with toys in the sunshine (no really, I did). What I got instead was myself sitting on the nursery floor crying with frustration, exhaustion and a feeling of failure. These days I’ve learned to focus on the things I do well with my kids and not stress so much about the things I’m not so good at.

You have a great mommy blog, what do you hope people get from reading it?

That they’re not alone, that we all have parenting fails and despite this our children will grow up to be normal balanced human beings. Oh, and hopefully a chuckle or two to brighten their day.

What is the most valuable lesson you think you can teach your children?

To be their own person and embrace who they are, warts and all.

Samantha Ruda still isn’t sure what she’d like to be when she grows up. For now, she’s happy to be a stay at home mom to her beautiful boy Max, and work one day a week at Adeline’s Room in Evanston, IL. Samantha has a master’s degree in Written Communications from National-Louis University and would love to get some writing published one day, if only she could find the time! A self-professed procrastinator, Samantha doesn’t like to follow recipes when she cooks, or read instruction manuals when assembling things. Samantha enjoys attending meet ups and music classes with her son and taking time out of motherhood for guitar classes at The Old Town School of Folk Music. Samantha lives in North Evanston, IL with her husband Brad, their son Max, their dog Nutmeg and cat Chloe. You can order Jo’s self published novel “Baby (tic tic) Boom” or download it to your kindle on amazon.com.

Do you have questions for Jo? Stop by Adeline’s Room for a visit or email Info@AdelinesRoom.com and we will put you in touch.

Talking Home Birth

Meet Kate, a Chicagoland mama who is preparing for her second home birth. Below she shares her experiences, suggestions and lessons learned from her first home birth.

What inspired you to have a home birth?

I think the first time I ever thought seriously about home birth was after seeing [Ricki Lake's documentary] The Business of Being Born. It tipped what I thought I knew about birth on its head and gave me a new perspective. Of course, this was a couple years before I was even thinking about having my own babies. When my husband and I got to that point, we were living in Sweden, which has the best maternity care and maternity outcomes in the world. I knew that the care I received there would most likely be superior to the expectations I had of US hospitals and maternity care, and yet it wasn't a risk I was willing to take. By this point I had read enough birth stories and observed that so often it was a traumatic first birth that inspired women to go on to have subsequent home births. I wanted to skip that middleman.

How did you handle objections from friends or family?

No one flat-out called me crazy to my face, which I appreciated. I certainly detected reservation and some fear from people that I talked with, but they were dealing with an educated person. My husband and I didn't make this decision blindly or lightly. Two resources that I told just about everyone about were The Business of Being Born documentary and Ina May Gaskin's book, Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. These are both tools that present birth options in a palatable, mainstream light, while at the same time are based on scientific data and contain loads of resources.

Did you use a doula and/or nurse midwife?

My home birth was attended by two midwives, the equivalent of which would be a Certified Nurse Midwife (CNM) here in the States (we were in Sweden, remember). They both worked in the hospital as midwives, and in Sweden they use a midwifery model of care instead of a medical, or obstetrical, model. This means that barring any complications or high risk factors all women are automatically attended by midwives for pre-natal care and delivery. Home birth is actually not a popular option in Sweden, and the rate of home birth there is about the same as it is in the US, <1%.

Ironically, even though I'm a doula myself, I did not use a doula for my birth. The reason for this was because my midwives were comfortable acting in this role for me, and our apartment was quite small (less than 400 square feet) so I was concerned that it would feel a bit cramped with another body thrown in the mix. It turned out to be the perfect mix of people, with each one taking a turn to support me in vital ways. I wouldn't change a thing.

How did you go about finding/ choosing a doula or/and midwife? What were your criteria?
Well, for us it was pretty easy. There was only one group of midwives I could find that offered home birth where we lived, so it was either them or a hospital birth. This doesn't mean we didn't make our decision carefully. Before our initial interview with our midwives we printed out a list of questions that was probably four pages long (you can literally Google “questions to ask your midwife” and get a million lists in return). In the end, our biggest concern was safety. What would they identify as an emergency? How would we transfer? How long would it take? Where would we go? What equipment would they have with them? The answers to these questions satisfied us, and so our final decision was clear.

What were your literal and emotional preparations for your home birth?

Having a relaxing and cozy environment was important to me so I put thought into how our space was decorated. Our son was due in December so we had Christmas lights up. We used a mix of low lighting and candles, and I had worked on a labor playlist that was on in the background. Practically speaking, I went to the hospital to pick up a box of supplies that my midwives would need. I laugh when I think about it because Swedish culture is so trusting, and in the box were vials of Pitocin (in case of hemorrhage) that I just carried home on the bus. I also had a birth ball, lots of towels and sheets, plenty of food and drinks. Emotionally, I spent a lot of time envisioning the birth and made a list of what I hoped for. I read a lot of positive birth stories, and my husband and I studied a book on the Bradley Method and focused on relaxation techniques. I talked with other home birthing mamas and by the time the birth came, I was so excited to 'do this’!

What were your preparations in case there was an emergency?

Besides picking up the birth box from the hospital (which also contained IV’s and other items for emergency), the biggest thing is having a plan in place. We knew that once my labor commenced, my midwives would call the hospital and let them know that a home birth was in progress. We lived within 15 minutes of two hospitals, either one of which would have been a great place to transfer to (what few people know is that even in the hospital it generally takes about 30 minutes to prep an operating room, gather the surgical team, prep the mama, etc... this is the “decision to incision” time). While home birth is not common in Sweden, we knew the culture was such that I would be treated with respect and great care if the need to transfer arose (unfortunately this is not always the case in the US, where some women and midwives are treated like out-laws when they transfer to a hospital, thus compromising the safety and well-being of mama and baby). As would have been the case in the hospital, my midwives knew what signs they to look for to indicate a potential issue.

Who was present at your home birth?
My two midwives (both named Johanna) and my husband were present for the birth. And, the group of university guys drinking up on the roof that cheered every time I had a contraction.

How was it? Highlights? Lowlights?

Oh, man. I still get all dreamy thinking back to this birth. I love that I never had to leave my apartment. I love that no strangers were coming in to poke and prod my baby or me. I love that my midwives never told me to do anything, but offered suggestions and allowed the decision to be mine. I love that there was no protocol or policies to either uphold or fight against. I love that my baby never left me, and that my midwives didn't even weigh him until the next day so that he didn't have to leave my arms in those crucial first hours. I love that I can say “I birthed my first-born in a 400 square foot student apartment in Sweden next to the freezer and then my husband emptied the birth pool into the court yard out the window.” What?! That's just crazy! I did not expect the pain to be so extreme. I did not expect to be so sore after the birth. I thought that pushing would feel good but it didn't (in hindsight I think I pushed before my body was truly ready).

You’re next baby is due in mid-February. How are you preparing for your next home birth?

Right now I'm in the gathering stage, getting all the items that are on my midwives' birth list. I'm planning where the tub will go, deciding if we should roll up the rug or not - simple things, really. My husband and I are going to take a refresher course on labor comfort measures (so labor will actually be comfortable this time), and I've assembled my birth team. Besides my two midwives, I'll have a doula, a buddy for my two-year-old, and hopefully, my friend to take pictures. Mentally I feel a bit more disconnected than I did last time, probably because instead of having endless amounts of time to daydream about birth I'm trying to keep my son from drawing on the walls and using me as a horsy. But, I'm getting there, squeezing in those happy birth thoughts when I can.

How did your personal birth experience help your work as a doula?
I think it's given me more compassion and more empathy. I truly believe in my soul that each woman I'm working with can achieve a birth in which she feels empowered and satisfied, and I also know how hard it can be to get there. I believe that our biggest successes are not achieved alone. I am eternally grateful to the women that supported me through my pregnancy and birth, and to know what that is worth to the women I'm working with is totally humbling and honoring. Some people believe in karma, I prefer to call it God's Economy; this idea that what we receive in times of need we will at some point have the opportunity to give back, in one form or another. My title may be 'doula', but I feel like I'm just involving myself in the thousands of ways that women offer and receive support from each other.

What is the best resource for someone wanting to have a home birth?

Talk to someone else that's had a home birth. You can read books, websites, papers, statistics, statements, and more, but talking to someone who has done it is the best starting point. You can't quantify personal experience, and that's what I believe birth is about. More and more research is showing that birth experience is hugely influential on both short- and long-term outcomes for mother and baby. So if home birth is appealing to you, don't hesitate to explore that as an option.

Kate Jaggard Tyo lives in Chicagoland and is a wife, mama, and doula, currently planning her second home birth for early next year. She blogs (though not so recently) at Kate is Fun and is a passionate lover of good food. That noise you heard? It was a foodgasm. Have questions for Kate? Email info@adelinesroom.com and we’ll put you in touch.