Moms Need Support

Meet Brooke Laufer, the teacher of the New Moms Group at Adeline's Room. Below she shares her experiences from her first pregnancy.

When I first became pregnant with my daughter I felt an incredible mix of emotions that were so confusing and nameless I ended up calling them "an existential crisis". That was my first trimester, a lot of confusion and a lot of tears, and a looming question: why aren't I excited about this baby like other mothers seem to be? What is wrong with me? Eventually I felt the baby kick, we put the ultrasound pic on our fridge, we gave her a name, and I felt a little better: more
connected. But as the months went on, the thoughts turned to the delivery -- the pain! -- the hospital, the fear of what would come after we got home, and the reoccurring feeling that I couldn't undo this.

For the first times in my life I truly could not control something. And that's when my anxiety attacks started. My husband got scared watching me shake at night and none of my friends had been through this, I didn't know who to turn to and I sunk. But then, with help from a distant mom/therapist acquaintance who I knew I could trust because she had admitted to me that she had anxiety attacks, I sought help. I found a therapist and a psychiatrist. I stabilized and one month later gave birth to my flaming red haired daughter, commonly referred to as "the tornado" (pronounced in a Spanish accent). I was anxious, but I was in love.

A few months of getting to know this little creature, of not sleeping regularly, of entertaining in-laws, and eventually seeing my husband off to work again, the intrusive thoughts started. I kept seeing harm come to my baby, sexual harm. I was alarmed, and ashamed. I felt disconnected from my new baby, but mostly I was terrified I was losing my mind. So I mentioned it to my therapist and my psychiatrist, and I discovered I was experiencing something akin to Postpartum Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Frankly, I was relieved. There was a name for what I was experiencing and I could treat it. And I did. The thoughts went away almost as quickly and strangely as they had come, and once again I could connect with my baby. I could then move onto to months of sleepless nights, issues with breastfeeding, dilemmas about sleep training, food fights, daycare boycotts, doubts about returning to work, self-esteem plummets, refinancing our mortgage to keep the nanny, and endless hours of unadulterated joy with our little Miss Josie. Oh, and voila, I'm pregnant again.

Did I mention, I'm a psychologist? I'm a person who has been in school for several years studying behavior, I have been trained in a variety of techniques to treat mental health issues, I have seen several therapists in the last 15 years, I understand a great deal about anxiety and depression, and yet I was blindsided by pregnancy and motherhood. And I can honestly say I'm glad for it, as it has forced me to relinquish control (my husband might argue there's still a lot more to relinquish) and it has forced me to grow. Thank goodness for that. My experiences have also enabled me to connect to amazing women -- new moms, old moms, experienced moms, never-wanna-be-a moms -- and not just moms in the 'happy moms club', but moms in the 'miserable and afraid club'. So I decided to take my experience and pursue it, which brings me to the point.

Because many women don't like to admit when things are dark and messy, postpartum depression or anxiety remains relatively hidden in society. There is a lot of shame around not being the perfectly happy, nursing, connected, loving mom. In my pursuit to reach these women, I have joined the postpartum mental health networks, taken the classes, and attended the conferences and what I'm discovering is there are about 20% of us with perinatal mood disorders. They can be correlated to a number of risk factors -- a history of mental health issues, lack of support, traumatic birth experience, loss, prior abuse, etc. -- but postpartum issues can absolutely be treated and cured.

I'm hoping to help women gain knowledge, find support, and mostly feel comfortable and accepting of themselves while approaching and muddling through motherhood. One important way for women to heal and grow is by connecting with others to remind themselves they are not alone. I will be co-facilitating a New Moms Group at Adeline's Room starting March 13th. I also am happy to see women in my private practice in Evanston.

Brooke Laufer is an IL Licensed Clinical Psychologist and mom who has been working with people-- providing therapy, family counseling, teaching, and consultation--for 10 years. Brooke specializes in Women's Health, Maternal Mental Health, and Adolescence Substance Use. She has both professional and personal experience with postpartum depression and anxiety and she hopes to support women who are adjusting to motherhood.

To register for the New Moms Group, please visit Adeline's Room.

Mommyhood: Been there, done that, wrote a book about it!

My friend Jo Chivers would probably laugh in my face if I told her that I consider her to be my “mommy mentor,” as well as my good friend. But when it comes to parenting, what I’ve always admired about Jo is her sense of humor and utmost honesty about just how tough motherhood can really be.

Jo, a UK native who came to Chicago 12 years ago to work for an IT company, lives in Lincoln Park with her husband, their two daughters (ages 8 and 3) and their most recent addition, an adopted puppy named Woody. On top of parenting two girls, Jo has written a novel centered around the journey into motherhood aptly named “Baby (tic tic) Boom” and keeps a blog of the same name where she muses about what it’s like to be a closet type-a personality in the midst of not so organized chaos.

Recently Jo agreed to answer some questions about life as a mommy, a writer, and the huge adjustment she went through going from full time career woman to full time mom.

What’s your novel about?

It’s about a new mom and her journey to redefine herself as she goes from successful career woman to stay at home mom. It shows the frustrating, mind-spinning and downright hilarious aspects of parenthood through her eyes. It also shows how important it is to surround yourself with the right people and keep things in perspective in order to maintain your sanity!

How long did it take you to write it?

It took a matter of weeks in my head, but two years on paper (or disk).

Describe parenthood in three words.

That’s a hard one, parenthood can be so many different things in just one day or even five minutes, but the first words that spring to mind are

· life-changing (counts as one word with a hyphen right?)

· exhausting

· chaotic

What word best describes your parenting style?

Amateur.

What did you do before mommyhood and how has it changed you?

I worked as a project manager in the IT industry. My most valuable skills were that I was super organized and great at problem solving. My projects were successful because they were very tightly controlled. When I had my first daughter, I had to learn to go with the flow a little more and accept that babies have their own agenda and a surprisingly strong will to stick with it.

How do you think attitudes to parenting/motherhood have changed since you had your first baby? Have mothers become more open and honest about how tough it can really be, or do you think we have further to go?

I think we still have a long way to go. I hate to say it, but the media obsession with celebrity families and the constant ‘parenthood is bliss’ message they perpetuate has a lot to answer for. It’s to new moms what the ‘thin is perfection’ message is to young girls.

What advice would you give new and expecting moms, based on your own experiences?

Know that being a new mom is the hardest, most exhausting job in the world. But there is no one who does a better job at looking after your baby than you. Trust your own instincts and ignore negative input. Surround yourself with moms with whom you can be totally honest, without feeling judged and remove yourself from any that make you feel inadequate or downright crap.

What was life like before children? How did you picture parenthood and how different was it from real life?

My job was pretty stressful and I saw parenthood as a step away from that stress (I know, how deluded was I?). I pictured my sweet baby and I sitting on a blanket in the park playing with toys in the sunshine (no really, I did). What I got instead was myself sitting on the nursery floor crying with frustration, exhaustion and a feeling of failure. These days I’ve learned to focus on the things I do well with my kids and not stress so much about the things I’m not so good at.

You have a great mommy blog, what do you hope people get from reading it?

That they’re not alone, that we all have parenting fails and despite this our children will grow up to be normal balanced human beings. Oh, and hopefully a chuckle or two to brighten their day.

What is the most valuable lesson you think you can teach your children?

To be their own person and embrace who they are, warts and all.

Samantha Ruda still isn’t sure what she’d like to be when she grows up. For now, she’s happy to be a stay at home mom to her beautiful boy Max, and work one day a week at Adeline’s Room in Evanston, IL. Samantha has a master’s degree in Written Communications from National-Louis University and would love to get some writing published one day, if only she could find the time! A self-professed procrastinator, Samantha doesn’t like to follow recipes when she cooks, or read instruction manuals when assembling things. Samantha enjoys attending meet ups and music classes with her son and taking time out of motherhood for guitar classes at The Old Town School of Folk Music. Samantha lives in North Evanston, IL with her husband Brad, their son Max, their dog Nutmeg and cat Chloe. You can order Jo’s self published novel “Baby (tic tic) Boom” or download it to your kindle on amazon.com.

Do you have questions for Jo? Stop by Adeline’s Room for a visit or email Info@AdelinesRoom.com and we will put you in touch.